- Comments from KV5
I don't think the lead is too long; I know that the MOS recommends no more than four paragraphs, but this is basically a very concise history of the team that covers most of the major elements in the list. That said, I have a couple of comments:
- Lead
- "officially became approved" - were officially approved would be better wording
- "raising the NL team memberships to seven, although only six teams were members by the start of the 1879 season" - eh? If it's seven, but it's six...? I'm confused.
- "start of the 1879 season.." - double period
- "and
then hired Tom York"
- "Providence was successful in signing several star players for their inaugural season;" - I thought there was semicolon fever happening for a minute, but then I realized that this semicolon just needed to be an actual colon.
- "six teams in the NL for the 1878 season"
- "among the, now, eight teams" - I think among the league's eight teams would be more grammatically correct
- "new additions, Jim O'Rourke and Joe Start," - first comma is superfluous and can be removed
- "If this claim is true, then White
will have pre-dated both Moses Fleetwood Walker and his brother Welday Walker, whom both played for the 1884 Toledo Blue Stockings of the American Association (AA)." - just the two highlighted changes
- "who brought back his brother George Wright" - since you've already mentioned George before, and since his brother's name immediately precedes this statement, you don't need to say his last name here
- "Their fortunes did not change, however, they again placed second in the NL standings, behind the White Stockings, for the third straight season." - there's a run-on here. I don't think the fortunes not changing statement is really needed; you could probably get by with just They placed second in the NL standings, behind the White Stockings, for the third straight season.
- "April 29, 1986.[25][25][26]" - doubled ref
- "for the remainer of the season" - remainder
- Table
- Copyedit your captions: no full-stops/periods if they are not complete sentences, and make sure you don't have any splices (I think I spotted at least two).
- In the table, there are a lot of "played 1 game", "played 5 games", "played 8 games", etc.
MOS:NUM says these should be "one", "five", etc.
- Red! Bright! Ow!... could be less glaring.
That should do it. Nice work.
KV5 (
Talk •
Phils) 16:55, 4 January 2010 (UTC)
reply
- Thank you for the quick review, I have made most the of the changes you requested. However, under
MOS:NUM, it states that generally preferred that numbers be depicted as a figure when used in tables, and that comparable quantities should be all spelled out or all figures. I beleive I am following the intent and spirit of the MOS on this one. Other things, I changed the color, hopefully this is not as "loud" as the last one, and as far as the "splices" you are referring too, could you please clarify? Thanks again for the review, I has definately made the article better.
Neonblak
talk - 00:06, 5 January 2010 (UTC)
reply
- I didn't see those numbers as being "comparable" to any specific other figures that are numeric, and what MOSNUM is referring to there is things like statistical tables, not this format. MOSNUM also says that "Numbers within a table's explanatory text and comments should be consistent with the general rule", which is where these numbers are located.
- Color: less bright; still glaring. Perhaps a pastel green like #bbffbb or a pastel red like #ffbbbb?
- The splices I referred to were "First baseman Tim Murnane, later became an award-winning baseball writer for The Boston Globe" (remove the comma, and also needs a period at the end since it's a sentence); if you weren't intending this to be a complete sentence, then replace the comma with a semicolon instead and leave off that period I suggested. The other one appears to have been corrected.
KV5 (
Talk •
Phils) 00:21, 5 January 2010 (UTC)
reply
- I went ahead with the changes you suggested, and I think the pastel green looks quite nice !
Neonblak
talk - 10:41, 5 January 2010 (UTC)
reply
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