* I generally try and make hatnote descriptions as short as possible. Here, in "For the structure in Niagara Falls that was originally named Seagram Tower", "that was" can be easily dropped; I've seen similar hatnotes on other articles and they don't have the "that was".
- I suggest just using the bullet point for the external video, since with that template, a weird space is formed-- at least, on desktop.
MOS:ELLAYOUT explains this better: "[B]ox-type templates [...] they result in a long sequence of right-aligned boxes hanging off the bottom of the article"
- I'm not even sure why the video box was there. I've removed that now, since it doesn't really add any information that isn't already mentioned.
Epicgenius (
talk) 14:55, 1 March 2022 (UTC).
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- Suggest changing the Portal bar to just the regular Portal template, since it looks pretty awkward to me.
- Why is note e a note and not a ref?
- Good question. It's not really used as a reference for stuff in the article itself (just for the inflation footnotes), but it's also not an explanatory footnote either.
Epicgenius (
talk) 14:55, 1 March 2022 (UTC)
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- I see I see. Pass for this comment then. Will be moving to the prose tomorrow : )
Gerald
WL 15:00, 1 March 2022 (UTC)
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- "The Seagram Building is at 375 Park Avenue"-- perhaps the word "located" between "is" and "at" would make the tone more natural
- I have reservations about this. The word "located" (used in a context like this) is almost always redundant if you already have a locative word like "at". I can still add "located" if you think it would be better for the article.
Epicgenius (
talk) 13:42, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
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- "The eastern portion of the site is lower than the western portion." The second "portion" can be removed as its repetitve.
- "designed the Seagram Building in the International style"-- title case in "style"
- "A "spine" with"-- why is this "spine" not defined? And the "bustle".
- I just realized that these were never formally defined. I've done so now.
Epicgenius (
talk) 13:42, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
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- "low granite retaining wall"-- should "granite retaining" be hyphenated or nah?
- It should not. The retaining wall is low and is made of granite. If it is hyphenated, then that would indicate the retaining wall retains granite, which it does not do.
Epicgenius (
talk) 13:42, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
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- "At the eastern ends of the side-street, retaining walls"-- "of the side-street" can be removed here
- I reworded this. Somehow the meaning of this sentence got mixed up in a later change.
Epicgenius (
talk) 13:42, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
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- I'm wondering of, in this article, what you consider the 'number limit.' Usually for me, for numbers ten or higher I would use digits. Here you have 3.75 ft in digits, but "forty" in text.
- Yeah, I generally write numbers above 10 as digits, as well as decimals below 10, per
MOS:NUMERAL. I think I wrote it as "40", which is the correct way, but again this was changed. "3.75" is also correct unless I were to manually write out "three and three-quarters".
Epicgenius (
talk) 13:42, 4 March 2022 (UTC)
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- "at their perimeters forming an arcade"-- suggest adding a comma between "perimeters" and "forming." I suppose you're implying that "ends of the slab overhang the plaza" + "supported by bronze-clad columns" = "an arcade in front of the entrance". Now, without the comma, it feels like "ends of the slab overhang the plaza and are supported by bronze-clad columns [...] that formed an arcade in front of the entrance".
- "The eastern portions of the 52nd and 53rd Street wings" --> "The eastern portions of both wings" to avoid repetition.
- "At the time, American building codes"-- should we link to
building codes? I feel like they're not a very common term.
- As well as
trusses
- Per
MOS:ACRO1STUSE, "CCTV" must be written in full form first. It's pretty weird, I agree, so I'd like to hear what you think. I mean there's
WP:IAR.
- That sounds reasonable. I thought CCTV was common enough that it would be abbreviated nearly all the time (like the abbreviation for TV itself).
Epicgenius (
talk) 17:58, 9 March 2022 (UTC)
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- "As of 2020, the garage was being renovated into a 35,000-square-foot (3,300 m2) gym." Any updates?
- "The lobby, designed as if it were an extension of the plaza, is divided into three parts"-- pretty weird connectors there. Suggest "The lobby was designed as if it were an extension of the plaza, and is divided into three parts" which for me sounds more natural.
- I actually reworded the sentence before I saw your comment. Now, it reads as two sentences: "The lobby is designed as if it were an extension of the plaza... It is divided into three parts".
Epicgenius (
talk) 17:58, 9 March 2022 (UTC)
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- "The western part of the lobby has three bronze revolving doors and is interrupted by two bronze columns. The central section comprises three corridors connecting the western and eastern thirds of the lobby, within four elevator and stair enclosures"-- duplicate ref 86s.
More later. Apologies for the long interval -- school is seriously messing with me, but I'll try to finish this review.
Gerald
WL 15:10, 9 March 2022 (UTC)
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- No problem. I appreciate the comments
Gerald Waldo Luis.
Epicgenius (
talk) 17:58, 9 March 2022 (UTC)
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- "with travertine walls and floors; cement ceilings with gray-glass mosaic tiles; and bronze engaged piers." Why are they in semicolons?
- Usually these are used for serial lists (in the A, B, and C format) in which one or more items themselves have commas. However, none of these have commas, so I've removed them and reworded the sentence.
Epicgenius (
talk) 15:54, 11 March 2022 (UTC)
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- Yeah, I also employ the serial lists thing in the articles I expand. Was why I brought this up 😐
Gerald
WL 16:07, 11 March 2022 (UTC)
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- "The rooms had a maximum capacity of 400 or 485." Or or and? Considering there are two rooms.
- The sources disagree on the maximum capacity, but these figures are both for the combined capacity of the rooms.
Epicgenius (
talk) 15:54, 11 March 2022 (UTC)
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- Then perhaps it would be great to note this: "Sources disagree on whether the rooms had a maximum capacity of 400 or 485."
Gerald
WL 16:07, 11 March 2022 (UTC)
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- "containing metal curtains that rippled from air released by hidden ventilating ducts." why is "rippled", as in past tense? Or an I not understanding the sentence?
- "redesigned it from 1995 to 1999 after a fire damaged it." Repetitive verb+it. Suggest "redesigned it from 1995 to 1999 after a damaging fire."
- "The Lobster Club's main dining room has brightly colored furniture and upholstery; 150 drip-painted concrete floor tiles by artist Laura Bergman; and three bronze-partitioned booths on the south wall." Similar to the semicolon question above. Also, ref 112 should be first.
- "The office suites generally have a flexible plan, [...] The flexibility of the office stories"-- so is it the suites or stories that are flexible?
- The office stories (I said "suites" by accident). I've fixed this now.
Epicgenius (
talk) 15:54, 11 March 2022 (UTC)
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- "and wrote "it has the aesthetic"-- I think there must be a comma or colon after "wrote"
- "apex" isn't an analogical or metaphoric phrase that it needs to be quoted; you can paraphrase it to "pinnacle"
- You often interchange "Architectural Forum" and "Architectural Forum magazine". Suggest consistency with the former; if the latter is chosen, then other publications need to be suffixed with the media type too.
- Link
Towers in the park
- "Ricardo Scofidio of Diller Scofidio + Renfro, said the"-- redundant comma.
- "Simultaneously, the American Institute of Architects (AIA)'s New York chapter"-- chapter as in a book chapter or...?
- Chapter as in a subsidiary or affiliate. It is common among organizations that have outposts in many places.
Epicgenius (
talk) 01:26, 13 March 2022 (UTC)
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- "like the Time–Life Building at 1271 Avenue of the Americas"-- why isn't the link at the "1271 Avenue of the Americas" part, considering the link at "Time-Life Building" is just a pipe to
1271 Avenue of the Americas? Same case with the "the Chase Manhattan Bank Building at 28 Liberty Street" part.
- "Twenty acres (8.1 ha) of plazas" --> "20 acres (8.1 ha) of plazas"
- It is spelled out because, generally, it's not good form to begin a sentence with a number.
Epicgenius (
talk) 01:26, 13 March 2022 (UTC)
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- Indeed.
MOS:NUMNOTES: "Avoid beginning a sentence with a figure".
Gog the Mild (
talk) 14:20, 13 March 2022 (UTC)
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- Ah yes, I remember learning this from
Talk:See You in the Cosmos/GA1 but that was a long time ago, and rarely do I encounter this situation, so I must've forgotten about it, sorry. Anyways moving on to the history :)
Gerald
WL 16:52, 13 March 2022 (UTC)
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- "though this plan was not executed for almost two decades." Is there a more specific number than "almost two decades"?
- Sadly, the only time frame I can find is some time between 1933 and 1951.
Epicgenius (
talk) 19:46, 13 March 2022 (UTC)
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- "and he wanted to celebrate the company's centenary" --> "whose opening was to coincide with the company's centenary"
- "by William Pereira and Charles Luckman of Pereira & Luckman"-- suggest changing to "by William Pereira and Charles Luckman of the company Pereira & Luckman", as for visually-impaired readers, it might sound like a confusing repetition of the two's surnames.
- "The building was projected to be complete in 1957 for the 100th anniversary of Seagram's founding." Isn't this a repetition of from the paragraph above "Development"?
- ""This letter starts with one word repeated very emphatically [...] NO NO NO NO NO."" Should there be a colon after "emphatically"?
- I'm genuinely not sure if this should contain a colon, since there was additional text in the portion marked by ellipses.
Epicgenius (
talk) 19:46, 13 March 2022 (UTC)
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- "several leading Modernist architects"-- decapitalize the "M"
- Done. I initially thought the architectural style should be capitalized, but modernism is really just an umbrella term.
Epicgenius (
talk) 19:46, 13 March 2022 (UTC)
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- I don't think the "state" is needed in "New York state", as it'll be either "New York" or "New York City"; in some places you don't use this word too.
- The issue is that New York City does not give out architecture licenses, only New York state. The use of "New York" alone, without "state", may be imprecise as a result. By contrast, in other parts of the text where "New York" alone is used, the context is clearer.
Epicgenius (
talk) 19:46, 13 March 2022 (UTC)
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- "Ultimately, Mies selected the 5-by-3-bay rectangle" --> "Ultimately, Mies selected the former"
- I did something similar, but there were 3 plans and the 5x3 bay plan was the third one.
Epicgenius (
talk) 19:46, 13 March 2022 (UTC)
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- "Upon Bronfman's suggestion, the architects specified that the tower would be made of bronze and glass, Mies moved to a nearby apartment to oversee the Seagram Building's development"-- did you intend to use a full stop after "glass"?
- Here you said "the American Institute of Architects (AIA)'s New York chapter", but in the Impact section it's "New York division".
- "Because of a no-standing rule implemented"-- why not just use "idling", per the linked article? I initially got confused on "standing" before hovering over the link.
- Fixed. "Standing", in the context of traffic, is commonly used in NYC to refer to idling, but I didn't consider the other possible uses of this term until you pointed it out.
-
Epicgenius (
talk) 19:46, 13 March 2022 (UTC)
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- "By July 1958, the Seagram Building was 90 percent rented." How is a building partially rented, if I may ask?
- The space was not fully rented. Common practice in the real estate industry is to refer to a building as partially rented (rather than the building's space). Though, I suppose it could be made more clear, so I've done that.
Epicgenius (
talk) 00:38, 17 March 2022 (UTC)
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- "Cushman & Wakefield were hired as rental agents." But it's just one firm, so shouldn't it be singular?
- "to celebrate the 13th anniversary of the founding of the United Nations." If it's an anniversary I think readers already know what it's commemorating, so "the founding of" is removable.
- Should
Mesoamerican be linked?
- "Moai" shouldn't be italics.
- "displayed in 1967, as well as"-- comma to semicolon.
- As there are only two examples, the semicolon would make the second half of the sentence a run-on, rather than an element with commas in a serial list.
Epicgenius (
talk) 00:38, 17 March 2022 (UTC)
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- "Architectural writer Ada Louise Huxtable called the tax a beginning of the city's "architectural annihilation". She believed the higher tax assessment was a "special method of taxing architectural excellence"." Can be combined: "Architectural writer Ada Louise Huxtable called the tax a beginning of the city's "architectural annihilation", believing the higher tax assessment was a "special method of taxing architectural excellence"."
- "There was still high demand for office space in Midtown"-- add "Manhattan", per your other mentions of MM.
- "The same year, Seagram's president Edgar Bronfman Sr., Samuel Bronfman's son"-- "Samuel" can be dropped as the full name has been said earlier. Same case with "History", paragraph 1
- "but the city took no action on the proposal." But did the LPC responded in any way? If no, suggest trimming this down to "but no action was taken."
- The LPC declined the action, but I have changed the text anyway.
Epicgenius (
talk) 00:38, 17 March 2022 (UTC)
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- "mandated the new owner preserve"-- change to either "mandated that the new owner preserve" or "mandated the new owner to preserve"
- "For decades after the sale, Phyllis Lambert"-- drop the "Phyllis". Additionally, at "Planning" paragraph 2, "Bronfman's 27-year-old daughter, Phyllis Lambert" can be changed to "Lambert, who was Bronfman's 27-year-old daughter"
- "second restaurant interior"-- you mean "second interior restaurant"?
- "for $375 million; he completed his purchase that December." --> "for $375 million, completing his purchase that December."
That's all I can find for the 21st century sub, and those are all the points I have for this article. I do have a concern of the repetition of "The" as a starting sentence, at "The building was 99.5 percent occupied, but only six original tenants remained. The following year, the Seagram Company moved its headquarters out of the building. The Seagram Building continued to be held by Rosen's RFR Holding.", however I feel like it's unchangable so it's fine. If all comments are resolved I'll strike and support.
Gerald
WL 15:37, 18 March 2022 (UTC)
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- @
Gerald Waldo Luis, thanks. I have done that and also tried to get rid of that particular repetition of the definite article ("The"). However, the inclusion of the definite article at the beginning of a sentence is sometimes unavoidable, since it almost always comes before the building's name (i.e. "the Seagram Building"). –
Epicgenius (
talk) 16:47, 19 March 2022 (UTC)
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